my open heart

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QotD: Since I HAD to Pick Something...

What aspect of your personality could use a little work?

there are two aspects that could use a little work -- the part of my personality where i get insanely defensive and the part that doesn't think i'm that worthy.  i've been working on both of those, in trying to be level headed about things and making sure i'm not walked over like a doormat.  its not easy when you've saddled yourself as a certain person with certain traits, but once you realize that those are not things you want for you, truly and deeply.. you have to change them.  you have no choice really.

the power of love

love is an amazing thing.  it can be so many thing, so few things, some painful, some overly gooey.  loving someone has many depths.  you can just love them for who they are, their friendship, their support  or you can be in love with them such as you would your spouse, partner, etc.  you can be in love with your children as well. 

i often think about the power of love when i think of our daughter.  she was not born of my flesh or my bone, but she is my own.  everyday she looks more and more like her father - they have the same stunning eyes, smiles, and even laughs.  surprisingly she is like me in many ways too.  that isn't something i ever expected.  she picks up my mannerisms, my tone, she is cued into my emotions, my feelings.  she emotes such wonderful things.  the other day she said something and her father looked at me and said "she sounds just like you."  it isn't a shock that she does, i am as much of a mother to her as the woman who brought her into this world. i am her waking moment, her sleeping lap, her excited story at the end of the day.

i am many things to this bright spirit and she is my everything.  its just amazing that genetics isn't the end all of how someone is, who they look like, who they sound like. environment seems to be more than genetics.  though i already knew that since my husband, her father is adopted.  the love his parents feel for him, how they raised him, how they are with him and how he is so much like both of them equally isn't surprising to me. knowing his birthmother and not seeing a sliver of her in him (thankfully).  its just not surprising at all. it might be to others, but not to me.

i guess all of this is to say that loving her, opening my world to her, being there for her, the love that i have for her and the love that she gives back are so huge its just a testament to the awesomeness of human nature, soul, and spirit.

<3 

let me try to fix you

its hard to sit by and watch someone be in a "funk".  its hard to see your loved one suffering and be unable to do anything for them.  i am trying to offer words of encouragement, support, and love.  its just hard to see him go through this patch and not understand why he is going through it.  its hard just standing by and not being able to fix it.  i can give a hug for hurt feelings, a soft lap for a headache, sew up a torn shirt, bandage a cut finger, but this.. this i can't fix.  i know it isn't anything horrible, nothing that will crash our life but i hate that he is going through it.  i hate that he seems so unhappy when really he should be all smiles, all the time with the life he has.  i just know i love him and i will try to help him fix him.

wasting time

i've begun to ponder how much time i waste on the various sites that i check out each day, sometimes MANY times a day. i have begun keeping track of certain sites where i have a log on and log in each day, what blogs i read and subscribe to, and things of that nature. its amazing to me how many places i am in a given day. i wonder if i could channel my creativity a little bit better if i spent more time on LESS sites. its possible. i am also going to start unsubscribing from a bazillion email lists that i've accidentally on purpose found myself subscribed to. so often i just delete the emails, a minor annoyance every morning. but hey maybe those 10 seconds i spend could be channeled elsewhere? oh and another thing i want to streamline - bookmarks. do you know how many things i have bookmarked over the last 10 years? i still have most of them, its scary! who knows, i just know i'm tired of clutter. i laugh as i say that because currently within my reach are the following;

my purse, my work cell phone, two cans of pens & markers, a camera, my photo ipod, books, a magnetboart that is full, stack of pandy's work, a stack of magazines, stationary, and a box of various things. that's without really straining myself. its all tidy and neat, but still its a lot of crap. i'm tired of it. i've been staying it for ages but it truly has started to affect how i think. i want to just live a simple life. to have the simple things that i need to live my existance and if i don't need it but want it, it must really hold a place in my heart dear to me.

now i by no means think i'll be able to achieve this monumentous life change overnight, but at least every day i think a little more about what i truly need to live. truth is... not this much stuff. we don't even buy that much stuff these days, its just really come from when we joined households and brought a child into our life. and then things stuck around, then we moved things from one room to another trying to trim down, and just never really got a good grasp on things. i guess that's really what my goal is for this year, to get a grip!

so in close.. have you thought about how much stuff you have how much if any of it you really could stand to get rid of? its interesting to think about as you sit in say your fave spot on teh couch, glance around, and go "hrm, you know i could really do without XXXX"... how often are you bogged down with STUFF that you don't really LIVE because you're too busy dealing with all the STUFF?

this isn't my idea, there are thousands of people out there that have muttered those same lines.. but when it finally hits home, that no matter how clean, how organized you are, you could really stand to shed some unneeded items in your home... it just seems like your own A HA! moment.

The Soundtrack of My Life (unfinished)

what songs would you include on the "sountrack of your life?"

This is profound, deep question really - the soundtrack of my life.. well i don't think i can come up with everything right now but i'll start it and try to add more as they come to me. each song has a specific meaning, some may sound funny to you but they all have their place in my life.

Michelle by the Beatles
In my Life by the Beatles (currently pandy and emma are singing this!)
All you need is love by the Beatles
The entire Wish cd by the Cure
Fascination Street by the Cure
London Calling by the Clash
Sanitarium by Metallica
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
Baby Mine by Allison Krauss
Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys
Down Together by the Refreshments
Cemetery Gates by Pantera
Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi
Walk this Way by Aerosmith
Alive by Pearl Jam
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
One Year of Love by Queen
Steady as We Go by Dave Matthews Band
I am one by Smashing Pumpkins
Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins

.... to be continued when i don't have two children making faces at every song i play on the computer =)

knitting progress

i finally picked up a pair of needles on saturday and started making another coin purse. i know, boring huh? but its the only thing aside form a scarf that i can make likety split and i needed to knit. i did a few more rows on monday but that's it. its back in my bag and just sitting there. all my beautiful yarn just sitting. i think i'm having a hard time getting back into the "knit" of things right now because i hardly spend time with my best friend who is the one really teaching me things. i want to do a new project, something that involves purling since i've done none but something i can whip up quick to have some accomplishment. maybe tonight while we go pick out fabric to make poodle skirts for our girls, we can think of something.

yarn stash

i'm trying to get my yarn stash updated in ravelry.. its been tough though because i'm pretty disorganized right now (which is shocking i know). the post-holiday insanity is still going and i haven't really caught up with the present world. its annoying and makes me crazy, but i'm hoping to get a grip this weekend... i hope to find my notebook where i wrote all my yarn info down on! otherwise, i'm dumping my yarn on the floor, grabbing the laptop, and going skein by skein til its all logged!!

I'm trying to also get organized for my malabrigo swap - i would like to get started shopping soon! i'm excited about this - its my first swap so we'll see how it goes. i'm curious who got me!

well i should get back to this conference call i'm supposed to be on!! TTFN!

resolutions

every year people make resolutions and every year we undoubtedly break them.

so really thinking about resolutions, what are somethings you resolve to stick to, do, try, achieve this year? (i'm still working on my list!)

new years

happy new year!!!

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